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On Awakening... (Buddha's Myspace Blog)

Myspace.com Blogs - On Awakening.. - Buddha MySpace Blog


"What I think an awakening really involves is a re-examination of our common sense. We've got all sorts of ideas built into us which seem unquestioned, obvious. And our speech reflects them; its commonest phrases. 'Face the facts.' As if they were outside you. As if life were something they simply encountered as a foreigner. 'Face the facts.' Our common sense has been rigged, you see? So that we feel strangers and aliens in this world, and this is terribly plausible, simply because this is what we are used to. That's the only reason. But when you really start questioning this, say 'Is that the way I have to assume life is? I know everybody does, but does that make it true?' It doesn't necessarily. It ain't necessarily so. So then as you question this basic assumption that underlies our culture, you find you get a new kind of common sense. It becomes absolutely obvious to you that you are continuous with the universe."

- Alan Watts

"'separation is an illusion'

Hit the nail on the head - this is so phenomenally devastating to mankind. If you listen very closely, you can begin to extract the same motives and drives from even the most seemingly opposing communities in the world. Never stop asking why... you may never find answers, but it is there that you will find the right questions. Be content with this though, because "peace" itself is not an answer to such a question. Peace is a process that begins with the actualization of the right questions. Life is not a Bingo game... the quest is in itself worth living for."

World

Claire

Thursday, December 20, 2007
Prelude to a Kiss
Current mood: indescribable

Sometimes I feel..... like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take.... so long for me to get to somewhere.........

Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted.., but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to... bear.

And it's a long, long way to heaven but I gotta get there.....
Can you send an angel.....?
Can you send me an angel...... to guide me.

Currently listening :

As I Am
By Alicia Keys
Release date: By 13 November, 2007

5:06 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos

Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym

"Interesting.. what was it about the lyrics that you liked so much?"

Thursday, December 20, 2007 at 7:36 AM

Melany Watson


"amen sister!"

Thursday, December 20, 2007 at 9:58 AM

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Date: Dec 21, 2007 8:39 AM

I seeem to recall leaving a message similar to the one below about a certain blog.

Intresting lyrics.

What was it about the lyrics that you liked so much?
I understand it would take away from the time you have to complete your surveys but my guess is that too much thinking will not be involved in answering :)

Thats a good picture that you had as your default by the way.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Date: Dec 21, 2007 9:07 AM

Gracias. I guess she says it perfectly in that song.. I can't really explain b/c it's just that deep I guess. All I can say is that I've never heard a song that has expressed it like that.. it was ironic b/c I a few days before I heard it for the first time I was thinking those exact words in my head. Weir.d lol

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Date: Dec 21, 2007 9:16 AM

Claire at a loss for words to describe something - just doesn't seem applicable to you lol. I'll youtube it and hear it and give you my syopsis of it - provided of course I am not at a loss for words as well ;)

I find few things in this world weird - you are just very preceptive - you pick up things well even on a subconscious level.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Dec 21, 2007 12:47 PM

I can't fool you huh. lol I guess there are some things that I don't put the effort of thought into b/c I can't change. I can't change the world, so I don't really spend much time worrying about the way it is for the negative. All you can really do is keep those thoughts at bay and throw yourself into good things that will enrich your life. But... when I sit back and look at everything around me, just day to day things.. I just don't understand people. I see the saddest things, I've buried some of the saddest things, and the saddest part of all is that nobody understands that we're all the same deep down. Yet we don't recognize each other.. so we take from, we kill, we hurt, we neglect, chastise.. it makes me sick how selfish people are. Even the nicest of people get to a certain level they just never think past, and it's so discouraging hearing people talk sometimes. I don't know. It's vague.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do we believe that we're civilized, sophisticated or advanced
So quick to draw blood if given a chance
We dance with the Devil and romance with his rage
With a curse on our mind our prayers seem vague
The plague that sweeps across the garden is fear
Scared of our questions for the days that come near
So we stand guard over our bag of fool's gold
Never bowing our heads for the souls that we sold
And it's cold for the heart that stays towards itself
And only feels love for the abundance of wealth
But you can't pay your way through the gates of paradise
And you can't camouflage your grief from God's eyes
But lucky for us the Creator sees clear
With visions of times when we shed few tears
When our smiles have stretched from ear to ear
All the steps that we've travelled from year to year
And he loves who we are deep down inside
Forgives all the hatred, the greed and the pride
It's the same kind of love that could keep us afloat
When we all realise we need the same boat
With our hands interlocked we could carry the Sun
And bring forth the light where the damage was done
So let's do the raindance and water the seeds
And pray that the harvest brings what we all need

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: p
Date: Dec 20, 2007 9:13 PM

i thought adrian treated you well?

*puzzled*

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Date: Dec 20, 2007 7:20 PM

He did, it's complicated though. Too deep to get into, I've never hated anyone before him though.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: p
Date: Dec 20, 2007 10:36 PM

=(
sorry to hear that kiddo. kinda makes me speechless, cuz i know you seemed so happy with him.

you know, i still remember how the one and only time we talked on the phone, we understood each other. still kinda makes me smile thinkin about it. you're a good person, claire-bear, and good things happen to good people. =)

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Dec 21, 2007 12:53 PM

I read a really interesting article the other day. Changed my whole outlook on life.. it really healed a lot in me in a weird way. Just realizing how we turn things into so much more than they need to be sometimes. I dunno it was comforting. I'll fw'd it to you if u want.

House Music Blog: Top 100 House Singles

1. Eddie Amador - House Music

2. David Morales - Needin' You

3. Bob Sinclar - I Feel For You

4. Spiller - Groove Jet

5. Armand Van Helden - You Don't Even Know Me

6. Hatiras - Spaced Invader

7. Antoine Clamaran - We come to party / Do The Funk

8. Pete Heller - Big Love

9. Junior Jack - My Feelings

10. CZR - I Want You

11. Daft Punk - Revolution 909

12. Paul Johnson - Get Get Down

13. Modjo - Lady

14. Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat

15. Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You

16. Ministers De-La-Funk feat. Jocelyn Brown - Believe

17. Joey Negro feat. Takka Boom - Must Be The Music

18. Cassius - Feeling For You

19. Phunkie Souls - Tha Music

20. Phats & Small - Turn Around

21. Superfunk - The Young MC

22. Discotex - I Can Cast A Spell

23. M&S presents Girl Next Door - Salsoul Nugget

24. Daft Punk - One More Time

25. Junior Jack Vs. Richard Grey - U Look Fantastic

26. Silicone Soul - Right On Right On

27. Mojolators - Drifting

28. Azzido Da Bass - Doom's Night

29. Rui Da Silva - Touch Me

30. Ian Pooley - 900 Degrees

31. Big Time Charly - Mr. Devil (Olav Basoski Remix)

32. Galleon - So, I Begin

33. ATFC - Bad Habit

34. Triple X - We feel the same

35. Daft Punk - Burnin'

36. Powerhouse - What U Need

37. Roger Sanchez - Another Chance

38. Live Element - Be Free

39. Mistique 3 - Somethings Going on

40. Negrocan - Cada Vez (Grant Nelson Vocal Remix)

41. Deep Swing - In The Music

42. Funkstar Deluxe - Walking In The Name

43. Demon vs. Heartbreaker - You Are My High

44. Barry White & Funkstar De Luxe - Let The Music Play

45. Cerrone - Give Me Love

46. Cassius - Cassius 99

47. Bob Sinclar & Salome De Bahia - Outro Lugar

48. King Unique - Change

49. Knee Deep - Funky Nassau

50. Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby

51. House Of Glass - Disco Down

52. Robbie Rivera - Funkatron

53. Olav Basoski - Aha

54. Afromedusa - Pasilda

55. Bran van 3000 - Astounded

56. Groove Armada - Superstylin'

57. Junior Jack - Thrill Me

58. Santons - Camels

59. Shakedown - At Night

60. Soulsearcher - Can't Get Enough

61. Tim Deluxe - It Just Won't Do

62. Xpress 2 - Lazy

63. David Guetta - Love Don't Let Me Go

64. Junior Jack - E Samba

65. Room 5 - Make Luv

66. Fused - Saving Mary

67. Underworld - Two Months Off

68. Robbie Rivera - Bang

69. DJ Tonka - Security

70. Lee Cabrera - Shake It

71. Benny Benassi - Satisfaction

72. Kurtis Mantronix presents Chamonix - How Did You Know

73. Tom Novy feat Lima - Now Or Never

74. Pure Orchestra - U & I

75. Stonebridge - Put 'em High

76. Dave Armstrong - Make your Move

77. DJ Flex - Amazing

78. Martin Solveig - Rocking Music

79. The Ones - Flawless

80. Who Da Funk - Shiny Disco Balls

81. Dr. Kucho - Belmondo Rulez

82. Soul Providers - I Don't Know

83. Axwell - Feel The Wibe

84. Horny United - Crazy Paris

85. Boris Dlougosch - Never Enough

86. Eric Prydz - Call On Me

87. Robbie Rivera - Sex

88. Michael Gray - The Weekend

89. David Guetta - The World Is Mine

90. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme

91. Armand Van Helden - My My My

92. Syke 'n' Sugarstarr - Ticket 2 Ride

93. Gadjo - So Many Times

94. Deep Dish - Flashdance

95. Cabin Crew - Stars to Fall

96. C Mos - 2 Million Ways

97. Rythmo Dynamix - Calinda

98. Mylo - Drop The Pressure

99. Rockefeller - Do it 2nite

100. Mambana - Libre

Where's Claire?: Ohhh when we gonna wake up...

Where's Claire?: Ohhh when we gonna wake up...

This is so true. I think we end up making it harder on ourselves because we don't WANT to get over that person... but how much sense does that really make? Gotta get up, get on, get over.

Just a Ride

Funny that I was just starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the research I've found and trying to find a simple thesis... (something as seemingly trivial as that often determines whether or not I complete something, and I don't have time to spare at all right now). then this song comes on from that playlist I just posted. I'll figure it out... just like everything else. Thank you, music - once again, you've saved me.

Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then bang
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you

Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we

Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride

Slowly, oh so very slowly
Except that
There's no getting off
So live it
Just gotta go with it
'Cause this ride's never gonna stop

Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because

It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride

New semester, same place... and yet not

New semester, same place... and yet not

I'm still procrastinating finals. I think I need to see a therapist because I don't know how to think. Let me clarify - I don't know how to think about things I don't want to. I can't seem to form logical progressions that lead to a coherent and attentive broader idea of something. In other words, I can't seem to pay attention long enough to encode information or keep my thoughts on one thing long enough to get anything done unless it commands my whole attention. When I do pay attention though, I soar. Always have. I either do something to the extent to which I exceed even my expectations, or I don't do it at all.

I'm running out... my head feels tired and I am acutely attentive. I need to begin writing my literature on Happiness. I am really cursing the Sasquatch Bitch right now. She needs to go back to the forest she came out of. Ugh. I'm going to be glad I did the project though. I already am. The research is fascinating.

So in many ways I am still struggling with the same things. Recently I've began to actually starting to look for practical solutions to this issue. Well, to the symptoms at least...

So where's Claire???

I'm right here dammit. I'm really not in the same lost state I was in when I was writing the first post. Sometimes not knowing every aspect of yourself ensures that you will remain captive in the Cave of Doom of life. Paradoxically (I think I'm using that word right), if you shift around some of the aspects you do and don't know about yourself, you open yourself up to sky-high possibilities of happiness.

Namely, fuck Adrian. I mean, the best for him, whatever. It's not my problem anymore. It never was. It was never about me & him. It was about him & him, and about me & me. When we would talk, we were never saying the same thing. We never saw, heard, remembered, etc. the same things. Somehow I think the only common things we shared were the feelings, yet all at different points in time. Fuck him. See how I start to remember all the feelings and I'm back to saying that? I have to gently remind myself that I now know who I am. I don't have to be mad or hurt about him anymore. And then I'm better.

I'm learning how to cope with life. It's good. It's all good even when it's bad. How would I ever steer somebody else in the direction of healing if I myself had never traveled it? Many therapists in the field are said to have chosen that line of work in order to gain insight or distract themselves from their own distress and mental anguish. I don't want to be there for that reason. I want to, first, before anything else, establish my own grounds on which I can finally stand. When I do, I want to be a rock that dissolves into the sea only to solidify before the current disperses the fragments of my soul. That's a thin line, I know. But I believe that it is attainable. Believing vs. knowing vs. doing... I really need to get to work now.

And for the record, I mentioned that Adrian was hurting as a result from a bunch of stuff he didn't understand. So was I. I really feel for myself in that position to the point that I am brinking on tears. I sit back, take a deep breath, and exhale. Where was Claire? She was in the process of dissolving. And now I'm slowly but surely solidifying once more... and it happened just before the fragments of my soul were dispersed into the vague familiarity of memory.

Chill/Ambient Playlist

चलाire वेंत तो हिंदु!!!

इत वुड बे कूल तो बे अबले तो राइट लिके थिस!

Hindu writing is pretty cool. This is a pretty cool sight.. I've already learned that Kazahkstan is an actual country, then I get to type in Hindu, and I haven't even blogged yet! Cool beans... yeah. Sooo I really have to pee right now but I want to finish this blog before I can get to bed quicker. My body & mind are angry with me at the moment... we've been killing ourselves for exams again. No. Not for exams... for procrastination.

That stupid ass cat!!!!! I actually did get up right now, and when I was walking back... UGH!!! Romeo left a bird right there in the middle of the walkway (which) makes for his 3rd one this week. It is GROSS. I couldn't even bear to go in my ROOM until Adrian helped me clean it up last week. But they hunt, though, so... I don't get that either. Live and let live, for God's sake! (no pun intended, lol) Well, I guess I'm sleeping in my chair again tonight... I don't know if it just grosses me out or upsets me or what. All I know is that the last thing I want to see right now is a damn dead bird in the walkway. It would be one thing if he left them intact at all, but.. well... I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I know how Mom feels now when she says she wishes that he would just "go with Jesus." I second that notion. It many sound funny to say this about a cat, but there's really no other way to put it - he's an ASSHOLE.

To top that off, now I'm irked b/c this story does not go with the music I have playing. Ok, yeah back to other things... See that's why I love music... I sit back and it just soothes the tension out. I don't even mind driving in traffic ever since I started making more CD's a few weeks ago.

So why did I make this account tonight... Why does anyone write? Why does anyone read? That would probably be somewhere along the lines of what I don't have the answer for. Catharsis, perhaps... it's a Freudian concept of energy and built up tension - aggression (or "death instincts"). The theory says that b/c energy cannot be created/destroyed, that when you have built up energy, you have to let it out. If you don't, then it is hypothesized to come out in other less healthy ways. Research on catharsis doesn't support that it works though. They actually found that people who blew off steam when they were mad showed higher levels of aggression. (I just took 2 social psyc exams today.) Writing, on the other hand, has been shown to even improve physical health as well as mental. This is supposedly the "most mature" way to deal with things... sublimation, or putting your energy into doing something positive. I am definately a happier person when I write.

If you think about how many things you wouldn't have realized had you not been talking to someone about it, multiply that by a bunch of numbers cause I don't talk about things. I feel so much more at ease wife when I write. I'll write something and read it a few months later, not believing that I actually feel what I was writing at that time. I have to remind myself that I AM the same person and all... We forget things pretty easily. I"ll be like, "What's wrong with me? I remember when I felt very differently about (whatever bullshit is upsetting me at the moment)" I wish Adrian was more interested, but he's been hurt a lot by the things things he doesn't understand in me. That and I think he thinks I'm going to start talking about a bunch of stuff that sounds like gibberish to him and he'll end up defenseless also. That is changing... it's really suprising me.

Sorry I'll write a better blog after some sleep. lol It took me 5 minutes to write that last sentence.