I look back on it now... and DAMN it sucked to have had a broken heart like that for so long. It's funny how I would have given anything in the world to keep that love when I had it and thought I was losing it, but now that I lost it and am without it, I would give the world NOT to have it back. Ultimately it wasn't worth whatever good I thought I got from that whole thing because I had no control over when or whether I would experience that part of it.
I could be doing my best on a day that I am barely even getting by (if that makes any sense), and out of the blue, I would allow myself to simply get shattered to pieces at his will.
(This was saved as a draft and apparently this blog was never finished. I'm not even sure what date it was written on. May decide to delete, may not.)
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Monday, September 8, 2008
DSPS & ADD
6 Sep 2008 @ 8:23 PM Reply # 8
ClaireSMassa Join Date: Sat 30th Aug 2008
Threads: Posts:
ADD& DSPS
The concept of DSPS is still pretty new to me. I think it is relatively new to many professionals, and yet there are still many who have never heard of the disorder. I read that it is usually mistaken for and misdiagnosed as a psychological disorder. It is easy during adolescence for adults to dismiss the signs for laziness or, rebellion, or simply "just a phase". Being as DSPS affects only a small known percentage of our adult population and its symptoms can very often mimick other conditions, it also often goes unseen in adults as well.
I knew that something just didn't feel normal. I don't feel "mentall ill". I know I'm not sick. I don't have anxious thoughts that sustain me in insomniatic warfare. It's just that I'm... well, NOT tired at night. And then after I wake up, I'm SO tired. Before I read about DSPS, I would try and describe it to doctors by saying that it felt more like the hormones or biological rhythms in my body were just "off." I'd receive streams of advice from all directions from friends, family, professionals wanting to help: "All you have to do is..." etc, etc. Then they get frustrated when I decline each and every suggestion, but they don't understand - I've already TRIED that. I've tried sleeping meds, healthy diet, exercise, consistantly trying to put myself to bed early and wake up accordingly, keeping myself awake through the next day in attempts to restart my internal clock, alcohol, sleep hypnosis, and everything in between. I'm not depressed. I'm not stressed. But I'm BECOMING more depressed and stressed as I begin to see the manifestations of this struggle as I begin to embark on my adult life.
It has affected EVERYTHING, and no one really "GETS" it, even me until just recently. People think I'm lazy, and it's just not true. I am so ambitious in my mind, and I become so frustrated because it feels like my body just won't cooperate with me to function like I would give anything to. I just can't get up and go about my day like everyone else, and if I try to, I am pretty much useless, mentally and physically. I have taken more stimulants than you would ever imagine, all the while desperately trying to self-medicate myself just to get by.
But I know it's not even THAT simple. The specialists I've seen have all been more or less at a loss for what to make of it. They advise me within their own fields, but it just feels like it's more than just one area that factors into the equation. I told the last psychologist & psychiatrist I spoke with that I don't believe that this will be a simple diagnosis, but I didn't really know what else was was going on until I read about DSPS. I was thinking chronic fatigue, thyroid, blood sugar, stimulant abuse that had perhaps rendered me weak and immobile, and finally I started to believe that maybe I was just helpless or lazy. I just couldn't put my finger on it.
"Physicians often seek to exclude behavioral or lifestyle preferences, inadequate sleep hygiene, and psychophysiologic insomnia as causes for DSPS" (www.sleepdisorderchannel.com). Other exclusionary criteria are mental disorders, including none other than ADD. Yet the Wikipedia page on DSPS notes that stimulant meds are used to treat patients with both ADHD & DSPS. It seems to me that professionals are still trying to understand and define what is entailed in a true diagnosis of DSPS. One thing I have noticed throughout my psychology/premed education is that diagnosing many both psychological and physiological conditions begins by determining such exclusionary criteria so as to avoid misdiagnosis. But why are would ADD need to be ruled out when diagnosing DSPS?
It appears to me from my own experience, from the testimony of others, and from the research I have done personally in regards to a common dopamine deficit that undermines both disorders, that there is a clear link between the two. Does DSPS decrease cognitive functionality due to a lack of essential restoration during sleep, resulting in ADHD-like symptoms, or even causing/promoting the development of ADHD in those who may be already predisposed biologically? Does ADHD promote unhealthy sleep hygiene and habits that assist in perpetuating the severity of DSPS? I have also read that if you can correct the condition on your own, that you do not have a true diagnosis of DSPS, yet all known treatments for this condition can be performed ON YOUR OWN (with the exception of sleeping medication, which you can probably also get a prescription for on your own). They say that poor sleep hygiene further develops DSPS throughout time, so why are those same habits also considered to be exclusionary criteria in diagnosis?
After much research on my own (when the doctors and literature left me with still unanswered questions), I have come to tentatively believe that these two disorders, when observed comorbidly, are both manifestations of the same system. There are, of course, many things that can contribute to the evolution of either ADHD and DSPS of course. But one common factor appears to be the low levels of dopamine present in both. Dopamine is a hormone that, among many other functions, helps us to be motivated, focus and concentrate yet paradoxically also enables us to fall into a normal deep, full nights sleep. Another way to understand it is that it assists in the regulation of sleep/wake patterns. People with DSPS and ADHD have both been noted to show low levels of dopamine when tested. It is not so cut and dry, though, because hormone levels wax and wane throughout a 24-hour period. Perhaps it is possible that the inability to concentrate, in addition to being enhanced by a lack of productive sleep, can also be attributed to circadian rhythms administering low levels of dopamine during the daytime (which is also likely to be during the time when many patients were observed with this dopaminergic decrease). This would explain the decreased functionality in earlier times of the day. Please note that I am not a doctor, and this is all my own speculation based on a limited amount of exposure to information and literature that may or may not be entirely medically accurate. That is, though, what medical research is - the observating interactions, supplying theories, and testing those theories again and again until a strong enough link can be made. Even after all the research, I am still unable to determine any sufficient information beyond the common role of dopamine deficits that characterize both disorders.
I think that maybe the reason they try to rule out ADHD before they make a diagnosis for DSPS is because not necessarily all people who have ADHD have DSPS, and I would guess that not everyone with DSPS has ADHD, so it is logically necessary to discriminate between the two. But hormone levels in the body are so complex and individual that there may not be a clear distinction when these kinds of things seem to collide. The factors that contributed to the development of both ADHD and DSPS vary from individual to individual, so it is not feasible that we will better understand until we have examined our own physiology and history.
I am in no real position to solicit advice, but since all seem to be more or less in the dark, I CAN say what I am doing personally to cope with all of it. In determining the causes, this condition has two contributing branches - biological predisposition and habitual catalyzers. I separated the habitual factors and examined their potential influence on my symptoms. Understand that even without a chemical imbalance, these types of habits can promote an unhealthy sleeping routine. This link talks about sleep hygiene. (http://www.umm.edu/sleep/sleep_hyg.htm) Chronotherapy is also aimed at regulating and controlling consistency in times of sleep and awakeness through monitoring behaviors and habits that are considered to be good sleep hygiene.
At this point, however, I've exhausted all the tips for healthy sleeping without any success. I believe that, for any number of reasons and in any number of ways, the levels of dopamine in my body are not conducive to a normally functional sleep/wake pattern. So while equally as important, I don't believe that chronotherapy alone would suffice as a sole treatment in my case. This is why I began researching dopamine. Light therapy increases dopaminergic activity, so I am going to find out more on that. I also saw my psychiatrist and got him to prescribe me Adderall and Ambien. He didn't have any information for me about DSPS, and I don't know if this is the right or best medication for me to take, but it seems to be at this point and I guess I will be able to tell more in the next few weeks. I am going to see someone about a referral to a specialist who would be able to help me more on this matter. Hopefully I will have more information then.
Hope this may help someone. I know firsthand that understanding these issues can be very elusive to pursuit, and very frustrating as well. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
A List of Phobias - Find Out What It Is That You Fear
Achluophobia Fear of darkness.
Acousticophobia Fear of noise.
Acrophobia Fear of heights.
Agoraphobia Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded places.
Ailurophobia Fear of cats.
Alektorophobia Fear of chickens.
Alliumphobia Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia Fear of opinions.
Altophobia Fear of heights.
Amaxophobia Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia Fear of walking.
Ancraophobia or Anemophobia Fear of wind.
Androphobia Fear of men.
Anglophobia Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Anthrophobia Fear of flowers.
Antlophobia Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia Fear of being touched.
Apiphobia Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia Fear of persons with amputations. Arachnephobia/Arachnophobia Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia Fear of men. Arsonphobia Fear of fire.
Astraphobia/Astrapophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Astrophobia Fear of stars/space.
Ataxophobia Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia Fear of imperfection.
Athazagoraphobia Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atychiphobia Fear of failure.
Aurophobia Fear of gold.
Automatonophobia Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues
Automysophobia Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia/Aviatophobia Fear of flying.
Bacillophobia Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia Fear of bacteria.
Bathmophobia Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
Batophobia Fear of heights.
Batrachophobia Fear of amphibians (like frogs)
Belonephobia Fear of pins and needles.
Bibliophobia Fear of books.
Botanophobia Fear of plants.
Brontophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Cacophobia Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia/Cainotophobia Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia Fear of beautiful women.
Carnophobia Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia Fear of being ridiculed.
Catoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia / Centophobia Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia Fear of thunder.
Chaetophobia Fear of hair.
Chionophobia Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia Fear of being touched.
Chirophobia Fear of hands.
Chorophobia Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia/Chrematophobia Fear of money.
Chromophobia/Chromatophobia Fear of colors.
Chronomentrophobia Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia/Sitophobia/Sitiophobia Fear of food.
Claustrophobia Fear of confined spaces.
Climacophobia Fear of stairs.
Clinophobia Fear of going to bed.
Coimetrophobia Fear of cemeteries.
Coulrophobia Fear of clowns.
Cyberphobia Fear of computers.
Cyclophobia Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia Fear of waves.
Cynophobia Fear of dogs.
Demophobia Fear of crowds.
Dendrophobia Fear of trees.
Dentophobia Fear of dentists.
Didaskaleinophobia Fear of going to school.
Dipsophobia Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Dromophobia Fear of crossing streets.
Eisoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Elurophobia Fear of cats.
Emetophobia Fear of vomiting.
Entomophobia Fear of insects.
Ephebiphobia Fear of teenagers.
Epistaxiophobia Fear of nosebleeds.
Equinophobia Fear of horses.
Ergophobia Fear of work.
Felinophobia Fear of cats.
Gamophobia Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia Fear of laughter.
Genophobia Fear of sex.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia Fear of crossing bridges.
Gerascophobia Fear of growing old.
Glossophobia Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak. Gynephobia/Gynophobia Fear of women.
Haphephobia/Haptephobia Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia Fear of being robbed.
Heliophobia Fear of the sun.
Hemophobia/Hemaphobia/Hematophobia Fear of blood.
Hierophobia Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hominophobia Fear of men.
Hylophobia Fear of forests.
Iatrophobia Fear of doctors.
Ichthyophobia Fear of fish.
Judeophobia Fear of Jews.
Keraunophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Kymophobia Fear of waves.
Lachanophobia Fear of vegetables.
Ligyrophobia Fear of loud noises.
Limnophobia Fear of lakes.
Liticaphobia Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia Fear of computers.
Logophobia Fear of words.
Lygophobia Fear of darkness.
Macrophobia Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Megalophobia Fear of large things.
Melissophobia Fear of bees.
Methyphobia Fear of alcohol.
Microphobia Fear of small things.
Misophobia Fear of being contaminated with dirt/germs.
Monophobia Fear of solitude or being alone.
Motorphobia Fear of automobiles.
Musophobia/Murophobia Fear of mice.
Necrophobia Fear of death / dead things.
Neophobia Fear of anything new.
Nosocomephobia Fear of hospitals.
Numerophobia Fear of numbers.
Ochlophobia Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ophidiophobia Fear of snakes.
Ophthalmophobia Fear of being stared at.
Ornithophobia Fear of birds.
Pedophobia Fear of children.
Peladophobia Fear of bald people.
Phasmophobia Fear of ghosts.
Placophobia Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia Fear of wealth.
Pogonophobia Fear of beards.
Potamophobia Fear of rivers or running water.
Pteronophobia Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia fear of puppets.
Pyrophobia Fear of fire.
Rhytiphobia Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia Fear of dirt.
Scolionophobia Fear of school.
Selachophobia Fear of sharks.
Sesquipedalophobia Fear of long words.
Tachophobia Fear of speed.
Technophobia Fear of technology.
Telephonophobia Fear of telephones.
Testophobia Fear of taking tests.
Theophobia Fear of gods or religion.
Trypanophobia Fear of injections.
Venustraphobia Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia Fear of words.
Verminophobia Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia Fear of clothing.
Xenoglossophobia Fear of foreign languages.
Zoophobia Fear of animalshttp://www.phobiaguide.com/
Acousticophobia Fear of noise.
Acrophobia Fear of heights.
Agoraphobia Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded places.
Ailurophobia Fear of cats.
Alektorophobia Fear of chickens.
Alliumphobia Fear of garlic.
Allodoxaphobia Fear of opinions.
Altophobia Fear of heights.
Amaxophobia Fear of riding in a car.
Ambulophobia Fear of walking.
Ancraophobia or Anemophobia Fear of wind.
Androphobia Fear of men.
Anglophobia Fear of England, English culture, etc.
Anthrophobia Fear of flowers.
Antlophobia Fear of floods.
Anuptaphobia Fear of staying single.
Apeirophobia Fear of infinity.
Aphenphosmphobia Fear of being touched.
Apiphobia Fear of bees.
Apotemnophobia Fear of persons with amputations. Arachnephobia/Arachnophobia Fear of spiders.
Arithmophobia Fear of numbers.
Arrhenphobia Fear of men. Arsonphobia Fear of fire.
Astraphobia/Astrapophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Astrophobia Fear of stars/space.
Ataxophobia Fear of disorder or untidiness.
Atelophobia Fear of imperfection.
Athazagoraphobia Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.
Atychiphobia Fear of failure.
Aurophobia Fear of gold.
Automatonophobia Fear of ventriloquist's dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues
Automysophobia Fear of being dirty.
Autophobia Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Aviophobia/Aviatophobia Fear of flying.
Bacillophobia Fear of microbes.
Bacteriophobia Fear of bacteria.
Bathmophobia Fear of stairs or steep slopes.
Batophobia Fear of heights.
Batrachophobia Fear of amphibians (like frogs)
Belonephobia Fear of pins and needles.
Bibliophobia Fear of books.
Botanophobia Fear of plants.
Brontophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Cacophobia Fear of ugliness.
Cainophobia/Cainotophobia Fear of newness, novelty.
Caligynephobia Fear of beautiful women.
Carnophobia Fear of meat.
Catagelophobia Fear of being ridiculed.
Catoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Cenophobia / Centophobia Fear of new things or ideas.
Ceraunophobia Fear of thunder.
Chaetophobia Fear of hair.
Chionophobia Fear of snow.
Chiraptophobia Fear of being touched.
Chirophobia Fear of hands.
Chorophobia Fear of dancing.
Chrometophobia/Chrematophobia Fear of money.
Chromophobia/Chromatophobia Fear of colors.
Chronomentrophobia Fear of clocks.
Cibophobia/Sitophobia/Sitiophobia Fear of food.
Claustrophobia Fear of confined spaces.
Climacophobia Fear of stairs.
Clinophobia Fear of going to bed.
Coimetrophobia Fear of cemeteries.
Coulrophobia Fear of clowns.
Cyberphobia Fear of computers.
Cyclophobia Fear of bicycles.
Cymophobia Fear of waves.
Cynophobia Fear of dogs.
Demophobia Fear of crowds.
Dendrophobia Fear of trees.
Dentophobia Fear of dentists.
Didaskaleinophobia Fear of going to school.
Dipsophobia Fear of drinking.
Dishabiliophobia Fear of undressing in front of someone.
Dromophobia Fear of crossing streets.
Eisoptrophobia Fear of mirrors.
Elurophobia Fear of cats.
Emetophobia Fear of vomiting.
Entomophobia Fear of insects.
Ephebiphobia Fear of teenagers.
Epistaxiophobia Fear of nosebleeds.
Equinophobia Fear of horses.
Ergophobia Fear of work.
Felinophobia Fear of cats.
Gamophobia Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia Fear of laughter.
Genophobia Fear of sex.
Gephyrophobia, Gephydrophobia, or Gephysrophobia Fear of crossing bridges.
Gerascophobia Fear of growing old.
Glossophobia Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak. Gynephobia/Gynophobia Fear of women.
Haphephobia/Haptephobia Fear of being touched.
Harpaxophobia Fear of being robbed.
Heliophobia Fear of the sun.
Hemophobia/Hemaphobia/Hematophobia Fear of blood.
Hierophobia Fear of priests or sacred things.
Hominophobia Fear of men.
Hylophobia Fear of forests.
Iatrophobia Fear of doctors.
Ichthyophobia Fear of fish.
Judeophobia Fear of Jews.
Keraunophobia Fear of thunder and lightning.
Kymophobia Fear of waves.
Lachanophobia Fear of vegetables.
Ligyrophobia Fear of loud noises.
Limnophobia Fear of lakes.
Liticaphobia Fear of lawsuits.
Lockiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Logizomechanophobia Fear of computers.
Logophobia Fear of words.
Lygophobia Fear of darkness.
Macrophobia Fear of long waits.
Mageirocophobia Fear of cooking.
Maieusiophobia Fear of childbirth.
Megalophobia Fear of large things.
Melissophobia Fear of bees.
Methyphobia Fear of alcohol.
Microphobia Fear of small things.
Misophobia Fear of being contaminated with dirt/germs.
Monophobia Fear of solitude or being alone.
Motorphobia Fear of automobiles.
Musophobia/Murophobia Fear of mice.
Necrophobia Fear of death / dead things.
Neophobia Fear of anything new.
Nosocomephobia Fear of hospitals.
Numerophobia Fear of numbers.
Ochlophobia Fear of crowds or mobs.
Ophidiophobia Fear of snakes.
Ophthalmophobia Fear of being stared at.
Ornithophobia Fear of birds.
Pedophobia Fear of children.
Peladophobia Fear of bald people.
Phasmophobia Fear of ghosts.
Placophobia Fear of tombstones.
Plutophobia Fear of wealth.
Pogonophobia Fear of beards.
Potamophobia Fear of rivers or running water.
Pteronophobia Fear of being tickled by feathers.
Pupaphobia fear of puppets.
Pyrophobia Fear of fire.
Rhytiphobia Fear of getting wrinkles.
Rupophobia Fear of dirt.
Scolionophobia Fear of school.
Selachophobia Fear of sharks.
Sesquipedalophobia Fear of long words.
Tachophobia Fear of speed.
Technophobia Fear of technology.
Telephonophobia Fear of telephones.
Testophobia Fear of taking tests.
Theophobia Fear of gods or religion.
Trypanophobia Fear of injections.
Venustraphobia Fear of beautiful women.
Verbophobia Fear of words.
Verminophobia Fear of germs.
Vestiphobia Fear of clothing.
Xenoglossophobia Fear of foreign languages.
Zoophobia Fear of animalshttp://www.phobiaguide.com/
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
On Awakening... (Buddha's Myspace Blog)
Myspace.com Blogs - On Awakening.. - Buddha MySpace Blog
"What I think an awakening really involves is a re-examination of our common sense. We've got all sorts of ideas built into us which seem unquestioned, obvious. And our speech reflects them; its commonest phrases. 'Face the facts.' As if they were outside you. As if life were something they simply encountered as a foreigner. 'Face the facts.' Our common sense has been rigged, you see? So that we feel strangers and aliens in this world, and this is terribly plausible, simply because this is what we are used to. That's the only reason. But when you really start questioning this, say 'Is that the way I have to assume life is? I know everybody does, but does that make it true?' It doesn't necessarily. It ain't necessarily so. So then as you question this basic assumption that underlies our culture, you find you get a new kind of common sense. It becomes absolutely obvious to you that you are continuous with the universe."
- Alan Watts
"'separation is an illusion'
Hit the nail on the head - this is so phenomenally devastating to mankind. If you listen very closely, you can begin to extract the same motives and drives from even the most seemingly opposing communities in the world. Never stop asking why... you may never find answers, but it is there that you will find the right questions. Be content with this though, because "peace" itself is not an answer to such a question. Peace is a process that begins with the actualization of the right questions. Life is not a Bingo game... the quest is in itself worth living for."
"What I think an awakening really involves is a re-examination of our common sense. We've got all sorts of ideas built into us which seem unquestioned, obvious. And our speech reflects them; its commonest phrases. 'Face the facts.' As if they were outside you. As if life were something they simply encountered as a foreigner. 'Face the facts.' Our common sense has been rigged, you see? So that we feel strangers and aliens in this world, and this is terribly plausible, simply because this is what we are used to. That's the only reason. But when you really start questioning this, say 'Is that the way I have to assume life is? I know everybody does, but does that make it true?' It doesn't necessarily. It ain't necessarily so. So then as you question this basic assumption that underlies our culture, you find you get a new kind of common sense. It becomes absolutely obvious to you that you are continuous with the universe."
- Alan Watts
"'separation is an illusion'
Hit the nail on the head - this is so phenomenally devastating to mankind. If you listen very closely, you can begin to extract the same motives and drives from even the most seemingly opposing communities in the world. Never stop asking why... you may never find answers, but it is there that you will find the right questions. Be content with this though, because "peace" itself is not an answer to such a question. Peace is a process that begins with the actualization of the right questions. Life is not a Bingo game... the quest is in itself worth living for."
Friday, December 21, 2007
World
Claire
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Prelude to a Kiss
Current mood: indescribable
Sometimes I feel..... like I don't belong anywhere.
And it's gonna take.... so long for me to get to somewhere.........
Sometimes I feel so heavy hearted.., but I can't explain cuz I'm so guarded.
But that's a lonely road to travel, and a heavy load to... bear.
And it's a long, long way to heaven but I gotta get there.....
Can you send an angel.....?
Can you send me an angel...... to guide me.
Currently listening :
As I Am
By Alicia Keys
Release date: By 13 November, 2007
5:06 AM - 2 Comments - 4 Kudos
Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
"Interesting.. what was it about the lyrics that you liked so much?"
Thursday, December 20, 2007 at 7:36 AM
Melany Watson
"amen sister!"
Thursday, December 20, 2007 at 9:58 AM
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Date: Dec 21, 2007 8:39 AM
I seeem to recall leaving a message similar to the one below about a certain blog.
Intresting lyrics.
What was it about the lyrics that you liked so much?
I understand it would take away from the time you have to complete your surveys but my guess is that too much thinking will not be involved in answering :)
Thats a good picture that you had as your default by the way.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Date: Dec 21, 2007 9:07 AM
Gracias. I guess she says it perfectly in that song.. I can't really explain b/c it's just that deep I guess. All I can say is that I've never heard a song that has expressed it like that.. it was ironic b/c I a few days before I heard it for the first time I was thinking those exact words in my head. Weir.d lol
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Date: Dec 21, 2007 9:16 AM
Claire at a loss for words to describe something - just doesn't seem applicable to you lol. I'll youtube it and hear it and give you my syopsis of it - provided of course I am not at a loss for words as well ;)
I find few things in this world weird - you are just very preceptive - you pick up things well even on a subconscious level.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Carlos aka that loud guy at the gym
Dec 21, 2007 12:47 PM
I can't fool you huh. lol I guess there are some things that I don't put the effort of thought into b/c I can't change. I can't change the world, so I don't really spend much time worrying about the way it is for the negative. All you can really do is keep those thoughts at bay and throw yourself into good things that will enrich your life. But... when I sit back and look at everything around me, just day to day things.. I just don't understand people. I see the saddest things, I've buried some of the saddest things, and the saddest part of all is that nobody understands that we're all the same deep down. Yet we don't recognize each other.. so we take from, we kill, we hurt, we neglect, chastise.. it makes me sick how selfish people are. Even the nicest of people get to a certain level they just never think past, and it's so discouraging hearing people talk sometimes. I don't know. It's vague.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Do we believe that we're civilized, sophisticated or advanced
So quick to draw blood if given a chance
We dance with the Devil and romance with his rage
With a curse on our mind our prayers seem vague
The plague that sweeps across the garden is fear
Scared of our questions for the days that come near
So we stand guard over our bag of fool's gold
Never bowing our heads for the souls that we sold
And it's cold for the heart that stays towards itself
And only feels love for the abundance of wealth
But you can't pay your way through the gates of paradise
And you can't camouflage your grief from God's eyes
But lucky for us the Creator sees clear
With visions of times when we shed few tears
When our smiles have stretched from ear to ear
All the steps that we've travelled from year to year
And he loves who we are deep down inside
Forgives all the hatred, the greed and the pride
It's the same kind of love that could keep us afloat
When we all realise we need the same boat
With our hands interlocked we could carry the Sun
And bring forth the light where the damage was done
So let's do the raindance and water the seeds
And pray that the harvest brings what we all need
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: p
Date: Dec 20, 2007 9:13 PM
i thought adrian treated you well?
*puzzled*
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Date: Dec 20, 2007 7:20 PM
He did, it's complicated though. Too deep to get into, I've never hated anyone before him though.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: p
Date: Dec 20, 2007 10:36 PM
=(
sorry to hear that kiddo. kinda makes me speechless, cuz i know you seemed so happy with him.
you know, i still remember how the one and only time we talked on the phone, we understood each other. still kinda makes me smile thinkin about it. you're a good person, claire-bear, and good things happen to good people. =)
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Claire
Dec 21, 2007 12:53 PM
I read a really interesting article the other day. Changed my whole outlook on life.. it really healed a lot in me in a weird way. Just realizing how we turn things into so much more than they need to be sometimes. I dunno it was comforting. I'll fw'd it to you if u want.
House Music Blog: Top 100 House Singles
1. Eddie Amador - House Music
2. David Morales - Needin' You
3. Bob Sinclar - I Feel For You
4. Spiller - Groove Jet
5. Armand Van Helden - You Don't Even Know Me
6. Hatiras - Spaced Invader
7. Antoine Clamaran - We come to party / Do The Funk
8. Pete Heller - Big Love
9. Junior Jack - My Feelings
10. CZR - I Want You
11. Daft Punk - Revolution 909
12. Paul Johnson - Get Get Down
13. Modjo - Lady
14. Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat
15. Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You
16. Ministers De-La-Funk feat. Jocelyn Brown - Believe
17. Joey Negro feat. Takka Boom - Must Be The Music
18. Cassius - Feeling For You
19. Phunkie Souls - Tha Music
20. Phats & Small - Turn Around
21. Superfunk - The Young MC
22. Discotex - I Can Cast A Spell
23. M&S presents Girl Next Door - Salsoul Nugget
24. Daft Punk - One More Time
25. Junior Jack Vs. Richard Grey - U Look Fantastic
26. Silicone Soul - Right On Right On
27. Mojolators - Drifting
28. Azzido Da Bass - Doom's Night
29. Rui Da Silva - Touch Me
30. Ian Pooley - 900 Degrees
31. Big Time Charly - Mr. Devil (Olav Basoski Remix)
32. Galleon - So, I Begin
33. ATFC - Bad Habit
34. Triple X - We feel the same
35. Daft Punk - Burnin'
36. Powerhouse - What U Need
37. Roger Sanchez - Another Chance
38. Live Element - Be Free
39. Mistique 3 - Somethings Going on
40. Negrocan - Cada Vez (Grant Nelson Vocal Remix)
41. Deep Swing - In The Music
42. Funkstar Deluxe - Walking In The Name
43. Demon vs. Heartbreaker - You Are My High
44. Barry White & Funkstar De Luxe - Let The Music Play
45. Cerrone - Give Me Love
46. Cassius - Cassius 99
47. Bob Sinclar & Salome De Bahia - Outro Lugar
48. King Unique - Change
49. Knee Deep - Funky Nassau
50. Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby
51. House Of Glass - Disco Down
52. Robbie Rivera - Funkatron
53. Olav Basoski - Aha
54. Afromedusa - Pasilda
55. Bran van 3000 - Astounded
56. Groove Armada - Superstylin'
57. Junior Jack - Thrill Me
58. Santons - Camels
59. Shakedown - At Night
60. Soulsearcher - Can't Get Enough
61. Tim Deluxe - It Just Won't Do
62. Xpress 2 - Lazy
63. David Guetta - Love Don't Let Me Go
64. Junior Jack - E Samba
65. Room 5 - Make Luv
66. Fused - Saving Mary
67. Underworld - Two Months Off
68. Robbie Rivera - Bang
69. DJ Tonka - Security
70. Lee Cabrera - Shake It
71. Benny Benassi - Satisfaction
72. Kurtis Mantronix presents Chamonix - How Did You Know
73. Tom Novy feat Lima - Now Or Never
74. Pure Orchestra - U & I
75. Stonebridge - Put 'em High
76. Dave Armstrong - Make your Move
77. DJ Flex - Amazing
78. Martin Solveig - Rocking Music
79. The Ones - Flawless
80. Who Da Funk - Shiny Disco Balls
81. Dr. Kucho - Belmondo Rulez
82. Soul Providers - I Don't Know
83. Axwell - Feel The Wibe
84. Horny United - Crazy Paris
85. Boris Dlougosch - Never Enough
86. Eric Prydz - Call On Me
87. Robbie Rivera - Sex
88. Michael Gray - The Weekend
89. David Guetta - The World Is Mine
90. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme
91. Armand Van Helden - My My My
92. Syke 'n' Sugarstarr - Ticket 2 Ride
93. Gadjo - So Many Times
94. Deep Dish - Flashdance
95. Cabin Crew - Stars to Fall
96. C Mos - 2 Million Ways
97. Rythmo Dynamix - Calinda
98. Mylo - Drop The Pressure
99. Rockefeller - Do it 2nite
100. Mambana - Libre
2. David Morales - Needin' You
3. Bob Sinclar - I Feel For You
4. Spiller - Groove Jet
5. Armand Van Helden - You Don't Even Know Me
6. Hatiras - Spaced Invader
7. Antoine Clamaran - We come to party / Do The Funk
8. Pete Heller - Big Love
9. Junior Jack - My Feelings
10. CZR - I Want You
11. Daft Punk - Revolution 909
12. Paul Johnson - Get Get Down
13. Modjo - Lady
14. Mr. Oizo - Flat Beat
15. Stardust - Music Sounds Better With You
16. Ministers De-La-Funk feat. Jocelyn Brown - Believe
17. Joey Negro feat. Takka Boom - Must Be The Music
18. Cassius - Feeling For You
19. Phunkie Souls - Tha Music
20. Phats & Small - Turn Around
21. Superfunk - The Young MC
22. Discotex - I Can Cast A Spell
23. M&S presents Girl Next Door - Salsoul Nugget
24. Daft Punk - One More Time
25. Junior Jack Vs. Richard Grey - U Look Fantastic
26. Silicone Soul - Right On Right On
27. Mojolators - Drifting
28. Azzido Da Bass - Doom's Night
29. Rui Da Silva - Touch Me
30. Ian Pooley - 900 Degrees
31. Big Time Charly - Mr. Devil (Olav Basoski Remix)
32. Galleon - So, I Begin
33. ATFC - Bad Habit
34. Triple X - We feel the same
35. Daft Punk - Burnin'
36. Powerhouse - What U Need
37. Roger Sanchez - Another Chance
38. Live Element - Be Free
39. Mistique 3 - Somethings Going on
40. Negrocan - Cada Vez (Grant Nelson Vocal Remix)
41. Deep Swing - In The Music
42. Funkstar Deluxe - Walking In The Name
43. Demon vs. Heartbreaker - You Are My High
44. Barry White & Funkstar De Luxe - Let The Music Play
45. Cerrone - Give Me Love
46. Cassius - Cassius 99
47. Bob Sinclar & Salome De Bahia - Outro Lugar
48. King Unique - Change
49. Knee Deep - Funky Nassau
50. Madison Avenue - Don't Call Me Baby
51. House Of Glass - Disco Down
52. Robbie Rivera - Funkatron
53. Olav Basoski - Aha
54. Afromedusa - Pasilda
55. Bran van 3000 - Astounded
56. Groove Armada - Superstylin'
57. Junior Jack - Thrill Me
58. Santons - Camels
59. Shakedown - At Night
60. Soulsearcher - Can't Get Enough
61. Tim Deluxe - It Just Won't Do
62. Xpress 2 - Lazy
63. David Guetta - Love Don't Let Me Go
64. Junior Jack - E Samba
65. Room 5 - Make Luv
66. Fused - Saving Mary
67. Underworld - Two Months Off
68. Robbie Rivera - Bang
69. DJ Tonka - Security
70. Lee Cabrera - Shake It
71. Benny Benassi - Satisfaction
72. Kurtis Mantronix presents Chamonix - How Did You Know
73. Tom Novy feat Lima - Now Or Never
74. Pure Orchestra - U & I
75. Stonebridge - Put 'em High
76. Dave Armstrong - Make your Move
77. DJ Flex - Amazing
78. Martin Solveig - Rocking Music
79. The Ones - Flawless
80. Who Da Funk - Shiny Disco Balls
81. Dr. Kucho - Belmondo Rulez
82. Soul Providers - I Don't Know
83. Axwell - Feel The Wibe
84. Horny United - Crazy Paris
85. Boris Dlougosch - Never Enough
86. Eric Prydz - Call On Me
87. Robbie Rivera - Sex
88. Michael Gray - The Weekend
89. David Guetta - The World Is Mine
90. Shapeshifters - Lola's Theme
91. Armand Van Helden - My My My
92. Syke 'n' Sugarstarr - Ticket 2 Ride
93. Gadjo - So Many Times
94. Deep Dish - Flashdance
95. Cabin Crew - Stars to Fall
96. C Mos - 2 Million Ways
97. Rythmo Dynamix - Calinda
98. Mylo - Drop The Pressure
99. Rockefeller - Do it 2nite
100. Mambana - Libre
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Where's Claire?: Ohhh when we gonna wake up...
Where's Claire?: Ohhh when we gonna wake up...
This is so true. I think we end up making it harder on ourselves because we don't WANT to get over that person... but how much sense does that really make? Gotta get up, get on, get over.
This is so true. I think we end up making it harder on ourselves because we don't WANT to get over that person... but how much sense does that really make? Gotta get up, get on, get over.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Just a Ride
Funny that I was just starting to feel a little overwhelmed by all the research I've found and trying to find a simple thesis... (something as seemingly trivial as that often determines whether or not I complete something, and I don't have time to spare at all right now). then this song comes on from that playlist I just posted. I'll figure it out... just like everything else. Thank you, music - once again, you've saved me.
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then bang
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
Except that
There's no getting off
So live it
Just gotta go with it
'Cause this ride's never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride
Life, it's ever so strange
It's so full of change
Think that you've worked it out
Then bang
Right out of the blue
Something happens to you
To throw you off course
And then you
Breakdown
Yeah you breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride
Truth, we don't wanna hear
It's too much to take
Don't like to feel out of control
So we make our plans
Ten times a day
And when they don't go
Our way we
Breakdown
Yeah we breakdown
Well don't you breakdown
Listen to me
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run, no need to hide
It'll take you round and round
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared
Don't hide your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget it's just a ride
Slowly, oh so very slowly
Except that
There's no getting off
So live it
Just gotta go with it
'Cause this ride's never gonna stop
Breakdown
Don't you breakdown
No need to breakdown
No need at all
Because
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
No need to run
No need to hide
It'll take you all around
Sometimes you're up
Sometimes you're down
It's just a ride, it's just a ride
Don't be scared now
Dry your eyes
It may feel so real inside
But don't forget enjoy the ride
New semester, same place... and yet not
New semester, same place... and yet not
I'm still procrastinating finals. I think I need to see a therapist because I don't know how to think. Let me clarify - I don't know how to think about things I don't want to. I can't seem to form logical progressions that lead to a coherent and attentive broader idea of something. In other words, I can't seem to pay attention long enough to encode information or keep my thoughts on one thing long enough to get anything done unless it commands my whole attention. When I do pay attention though, I soar. Always have. I either do something to the extent to which I exceed even my expectations, or I don't do it at all.
I'm running out... my head feels tired and I am acutely attentive. I need to begin writing my literature on Happiness. I am really cursing the Sasquatch Bitch right now. She needs to go back to the forest she came out of. Ugh. I'm going to be glad I did the project though. I already am. The research is fascinating.
So in many ways I am still struggling with the same things. Recently I've began to actually starting to look for practical solutions to this issue. Well, to the symptoms at least...
So where's Claire???
I'm right here dammit. I'm really not in the same lost state I was in when I was writing the first post. Sometimes not knowing every aspect of yourself ensures that you will remain captive in the Cave of Doom of life. Paradoxically (I think I'm using that word right), if you shift around some of the aspects you do and don't know about yourself, you open yourself up to sky-high possibilities of happiness.
Namely, fuck Adrian. I mean, the best for him, whatever. It's not my problem anymore. It never was. It was never about me & him. It was about him & him, and about me & me. When we would talk, we were never saying the same thing. We never saw, heard, remembered, etc. the same things. Somehow I think the only common things we shared were the feelings, yet all at different points in time. Fuck him. See how I start to remember all the feelings and I'm back to saying that? I have to gently remind myself that I now know who I am. I don't have to be mad or hurt about him anymore. And then I'm better.
I'm learning how to cope with life. It's good. It's all good even when it's bad. How would I ever steer somebody else in the direction of healing if I myself had never traveled it? Many therapists in the field are said to have chosen that line of work in order to gain insight or distract themselves from their own distress and mental anguish. I don't want to be there for that reason. I want to, first, before anything else, establish my own grounds on which I can finally stand. When I do, I want to be a rock that dissolves into the sea only to solidify before the current disperses the fragments of my soul. That's a thin line, I know. But I believe that it is attainable. Believing vs. knowing vs. doing... I really need to get to work now.
And for the record, I mentioned that Adrian was hurting as a result from a bunch of stuff he didn't understand. So was I. I really feel for myself in that position to the point that I am brinking on tears. I sit back, take a deep breath, and exhale. Where was Claire? She was in the process of dissolving. And now I'm slowly but surely solidifying once more... and it happened just before the fragments of my soul were dispersed into the vague familiarity of memory.
I'm still procrastinating finals. I think I need to see a therapist because I don't know how to think. Let me clarify - I don't know how to think about things I don't want to. I can't seem to form logical progressions that lead to a coherent and attentive broader idea of something. In other words, I can't seem to pay attention long enough to encode information or keep my thoughts on one thing long enough to get anything done unless it commands my whole attention. When I do pay attention though, I soar. Always have. I either do something to the extent to which I exceed even my expectations, or I don't do it at all.
I'm running out... my head feels tired and I am acutely attentive. I need to begin writing my literature on Happiness. I am really cursing the Sasquatch Bitch right now. She needs to go back to the forest she came out of. Ugh. I'm going to be glad I did the project though. I already am. The research is fascinating.
So in many ways I am still struggling with the same things. Recently I've began to actually starting to look for practical solutions to this issue. Well, to the symptoms at least...
So where's Claire???
I'm right here dammit. I'm really not in the same lost state I was in when I was writing the first post. Sometimes not knowing every aspect of yourself ensures that you will remain captive in the Cave of Doom of life. Paradoxically (I think I'm using that word right), if you shift around some of the aspects you do and don't know about yourself, you open yourself up to sky-high possibilities of happiness.
Namely, fuck Adrian. I mean, the best for him, whatever. It's not my problem anymore. It never was. It was never about me & him. It was about him & him, and about me & me. When we would talk, we were never saying the same thing. We never saw, heard, remembered, etc. the same things. Somehow I think the only common things we shared were the feelings, yet all at different points in time. Fuck him. See how I start to remember all the feelings and I'm back to saying that? I have to gently remind myself that I now know who I am. I don't have to be mad or hurt about him anymore. And then I'm better.
I'm learning how to cope with life. It's good. It's all good even when it's bad. How would I ever steer somebody else in the direction of healing if I myself had never traveled it? Many therapists in the field are said to have chosen that line of work in order to gain insight or distract themselves from their own distress and mental anguish. I don't want to be there for that reason. I want to, first, before anything else, establish my own grounds on which I can finally stand. When I do, I want to be a rock that dissolves into the sea only to solidify before the current disperses the fragments of my soul. That's a thin line, I know. But I believe that it is attainable. Believing vs. knowing vs. doing... I really need to get to work now.
And for the record, I mentioned that Adrian was hurting as a result from a bunch of stuff he didn't understand. So was I. I really feel for myself in that position to the point that I am brinking on tears. I sit back, take a deep breath, and exhale. Where was Claire? She was in the process of dissolving. And now I'm slowly but surely solidifying once more... and it happened just before the fragments of my soul were dispersed into the vague familiarity of memory.
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
चलाire वेंत तो हिंदु!!!
इत वुड बे कूल तो बे अबले तो राइट लिके थिस!
Hindu writing is pretty cool. This is a pretty cool sight.. I've already learned that Kazahkstan is an actual country, then I get to type in Hindu, and I haven't even blogged yet! Cool beans... yeah. Sooo I really have to pee right now but I want to finish this blog before I can get to bed quicker. My body & mind are angry with me at the moment... we've been killing ourselves for exams again. No. Not for exams... for procrastination.
That stupid ass cat!!!!! I actually did get up right now, and when I was walking back... UGH!!! Romeo left a bird right there in the middle of the walkway (which) makes for his 3rd one this week. It is GROSS. I couldn't even bear to go in my ROOM until Adrian helped me clean it up last week. But they hunt, though, so... I don't get that either. Live and let live, for God's sake! (no pun intended, lol) Well, I guess I'm sleeping in my chair again tonight... I don't know if it just grosses me out or upsets me or what. All I know is that the last thing I want to see right now is a damn dead bird in the walkway. It would be one thing if he left them intact at all, but.. well... I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I know how Mom feels now when she says she wishes that he would just "go with Jesus." I second that notion. It many sound funny to say this about a cat, but there's really no other way to put it - he's an ASSHOLE.
To top that off, now I'm irked b/c this story does not go with the music I have playing. Ok, yeah back to other things... See that's why I love music... I sit back and it just soothes the tension out. I don't even mind driving in traffic ever since I started making more CD's a few weeks ago.
So why did I make this account tonight... Why does anyone write? Why does anyone read? That would probably be somewhere along the lines of what I don't have the answer for. Catharsis, perhaps... it's a Freudian concept of energy and built up tension - aggression (or "death instincts"). The theory says that b/c energy cannot be created/destroyed, that when you have built up energy, you have to let it out. If you don't, then it is hypothesized to come out in other less healthy ways. Research on catharsis doesn't support that it works though. They actually found that people who blew off steam when they were mad showed higher levels of aggression. (I just took 2 social psyc exams today.) Writing, on the other hand, has been shown to even improve physical health as well as mental. This is supposedly the "most mature" way to deal with things... sublimation, or putting your energy into doing something positive. I am definately a happier person when I write.
If you think about how many things you wouldn't have realized had you not been talking to someone about it, multiply that by a bunch of numbers cause I don't talk about things. I feel so much more at ease wife when I write. I'll write something and read it a few months later, not believing that I actually feel what I was writing at that time. I have to remind myself that I AM the same person and all... We forget things pretty easily. I"ll be like, "What's wrong with me? I remember when I felt very differently about (whatever bullshit is upsetting me at the moment)" I wish Adrian was more interested, but he's been hurt a lot by the things things he doesn't understand in me. That and I think he thinks I'm going to start talking about a bunch of stuff that sounds like gibberish to him and he'll end up defenseless also. That is changing... it's really suprising me.
Sorry I'll write a better blog after some sleep. lol It took me 5 minutes to write that last sentence.
Hindu writing is pretty cool. This is a pretty cool sight.. I've already learned that Kazahkstan is an actual country, then I get to type in Hindu, and I haven't even blogged yet! Cool beans... yeah. Sooo I really have to pee right now but I want to finish this blog before I can get to bed quicker. My body & mind are angry with me at the moment... we've been killing ourselves for exams again. No. Not for exams... for procrastination.
That stupid ass cat!!!!! I actually did get up right now, and when I was walking back... UGH!!! Romeo left a bird right there in the middle of the walkway (which) makes for his 3rd one this week. It is GROSS. I couldn't even bear to go in my ROOM until Adrian helped me clean it up last week. But they hunt, though, so... I don't get that either. Live and let live, for God's sake! (no pun intended, lol) Well, I guess I'm sleeping in my chair again tonight... I don't know if it just grosses me out or upsets me or what. All I know is that the last thing I want to see right now is a damn dead bird in the walkway. It would be one thing if he left them intact at all, but.. well... I don't wanna talk about it anymore. I know how Mom feels now when she says she wishes that he would just "go with Jesus." I second that notion. It many sound funny to say this about a cat, but there's really no other way to put it - he's an ASSHOLE.
To top that off, now I'm irked b/c this story does not go with the music I have playing. Ok, yeah back to other things... See that's why I love music... I sit back and it just soothes the tension out. I don't even mind driving in traffic ever since I started making more CD's a few weeks ago.
So why did I make this account tonight... Why does anyone write? Why does anyone read? That would probably be somewhere along the lines of what I don't have the answer for. Catharsis, perhaps... it's a Freudian concept of energy and built up tension - aggression (or "death instincts"). The theory says that b/c energy cannot be created/destroyed, that when you have built up energy, you have to let it out. If you don't, then it is hypothesized to come out in other less healthy ways. Research on catharsis doesn't support that it works though. They actually found that people who blew off steam when they were mad showed higher levels of aggression. (I just took 2 social psyc exams today.) Writing, on the other hand, has been shown to even improve physical health as well as mental. This is supposedly the "most mature" way to deal with things... sublimation, or putting your energy into doing something positive. I am definately a happier person when I write.
If you think about how many things you wouldn't have realized had you not been talking to someone about it, multiply that by a bunch of numbers cause I don't talk about things. I feel so much more at ease wife when I write. I'll write something and read it a few months later, not believing that I actually feel what I was writing at that time. I have to remind myself that I AM the same person and all... We forget things pretty easily. I"ll be like, "What's wrong with me? I remember when I felt very differently about (whatever bullshit is upsetting me at the moment)" I wish Adrian was more interested, but he's been hurt a lot by the things things he doesn't understand in me. That and I think he thinks I'm going to start talking about a bunch of stuff that sounds like gibberish to him and he'll end up defenseless also. That is changing... it's really suprising me.
Sorry I'll write a better blog after some sleep. lol It took me 5 minutes to write that last sentence.
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